Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Long line to the Presidency

"Don't any of you realize that there's only one life between that madman and the Presidency?!" -Mark Hanna (speaking about Theodore Roosevelt.)


The cabinet is made up of 16 positions that are considered advisers to the president. Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution gives the president the power to appoint the members of his cabinet, so long as they are approved by Congress. Without further ado, the cabinet positions (in order of succession to the presidency) are...



1. Vice President
Current: Joe "Gaff-machine" Biden






2. Secretary of State
Current: Hilary "Stone Cold Crazy" Clinton






3. Department of the Treasury
Current: Timothy "Blue Steel" Geithner




4. Department of Defense
Current: Robert M. Gates





5. Department of Justice
Current: Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr




6. Department of the Interior (note: not in charge of interior decoration)
Current: Kenneth Salazar






7. Department of Agriculture
Current: Thomas "the Pooh" Vilsack







8. Secretary of Commerce
Current: Gary Locke





9. Department of Labor
Current: Hilda Solis







10. Department of Heath and Human Services
Current: Kathleen "The Ice Queen" Sebelius








11. Department of Housing and Urban Development
Current: Shaun "Party Animal" Donovan







12. Department of Transportation
Current: Ray "Grandpa Munster" LaHood



13. Department of Energy
Current: Steven Chu




14. Department of Education
Current: Arne "Gee Whiz" Duncan





15. Department of Veteran Affairs
Current: Eric Shinseki





16. Department of Homeland Security
Current: Janet Napolitano







Wow. Here's hoping that we don't lose everyone up to Thomas Vilsack. If history is any indication, the line would only go as far as vice-president.

These nine vice presidents have taken over for their bosses due to death or resignation. The line of succession has never gone further than vice president.

1. John Tyler (1841) (William Henry Harrison died after 30 days)
2. Millard Fillmore (1850) (Zachery Taylor kicked the bucket)
3. Andrew Johnson (1865) (Lincoln assassinated by a coward)
4. Chester A. Arthur (1881) (Garfield killed by doctors more than his assassin)
5. Theodore Roosevelt (1901) (McKinley assassinated)
6. Calvin Coolidge (1923) (Harding bought the farm)
7. Harry S. Truman (1945) (FDR had an aneurism)
8. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963) (Kennedy assassinated by hillbilly)
9. Gerald Ford (1974) (Nixon resigned)

*All information from Uncle John's Bathroom Reader: History's Lists and whitehouse.gov.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Even More Historical Last Words!

"This is a hell of a way to die."
-George S. Patton (he had just been in a bad car accident.)



"Drink to me, drink to my health, you know I can’t drink any more."
-Pablo Picasso




"Lord help my poor soul."
-Edgar Allen Poe


"I have not told half of what I saw."
-Marco Polo


"Okay, I won't."
-Elvis Presley (Those were his last words to fiancée Ginger Alden. She had told him, when he was on the way to the bathroom, "Don't fall asleep in there.")


"Now I will show you how an Italian dies!"
-Fabrizio Quattrocchi (Italian security officer taken hostage in Iraq early in the Iraq War. When his captors came to execute him he rose from his knees, refused to kneel back down, and said these words.)


"Forward! For God's sake, forward!"
-John Reynolds (Union General at Gettysburg seconds before he was shot by a Confederate sharpshooter.)


"Yes...A bullet-proof vest."
-James W. Rodgers (Asked if he has any last requests before facing a firing squad.)


"I have a terrific headache."
-Franklin Delano Roosevelt (he died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage.)


"Please put out the light."
-Theodore Roosevelt


"We are the first victims of American fascism!"
-Ethel Rosenberg (referring to her and her husband, Julius, who were both the first people executed in the U.S. for treason. They had supposedly passed on information about the atomic bomb to the U.S.S.R.)


"I'd like to be in hell in time for dinner."
-Edward H. Ruloff ( convicted serial killer and last person to be executed by hanging in the State of New York.)


"I'm going over the valley."
-Babe Ruth


"Put out the bloody cigarette!"
-Saki ( Spoken to a fellow officer while in a trench during WWI, for fear the smoke would give away their positions; he was then shot by a German sniper who had heard the remark."


"Roger, go at throttle-up."
-Francis Richard "Dick" Scobee (These were his last recorded words before the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded, killing him and six other astronauts.)


"For God's sake look after our people."
-Robert Falcon Scott (These were the last words he wrote in his diary, before he froze to death.)


"Dying is easy, comedy is hard."
-George Bernard Shaw



"But the peasants...how do the peasants die?"
-Leo Tolstoy



"I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have."
-Leonardo da Vinci

Saturday, June 25, 2011

More Historical Last Words!

"You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper."
-Robert Alton Harris (career criminal and murderer who was referencing Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey before being sent to the gas chamber.)


"Love one another."
-George Harrison (spoken to his family on his death bed while dying of cancer in 2001.)


"Gentlemen, I bid you farewell…"
-Wallace Hartley (spoken to his fellow band mates aboard the sinking Titanic. Note: One survivor who clambered aboard Collapsible A distinctly heard Hartley say these words before he and the band were swept off the deck by the sea.)


"I know that I am going where Lucy is."
-Rutherford B. Hayes (speaking of his late wife.)


"God will forgive me. It is his profession."
-Heinrich Heine


"All is lost! Monks, Monks, Monks! So, now all is gone - Empire, Body, and Soul!"
-Henry VIII


"Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."
-Conrad Hilton (when asked if he had any last words of wisdom.)


"Cold Harbor. June 3rd. I am dead."
-This note was found on a Union soldier, pinned to the inside of his jacket. Many Union soldiers placed final notes inside their jackets prior to leaving their entrenchments in the suicidal attack at the Battle of Cold Harbor on June 3rd, 1864.


"I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark."
-Thomas Hobbes


"Surprise me."
-Bob Hope (when asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried.)


"Let us cross over the river, and rest under the shade of the trees. "
-General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson (Jackson, a confederate general during the Civil War, was shot by his own men and later died of pneumonia in his weakened state. This quote is a personal favorite of mine.)


"I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick."
-Alfred Jarry (Jarry was an absurdist writer.)


"Is it the Fourth?" [Doctor Robley Dunglison: "It soon will be."] "I resign my spirit to God, my daughter to my country."
-Thomas Jefferson (Jefferson and his old enemy and later friend John Adams died a few hours apart from each other on the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.)


"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!"
-Joan of Arc


"Don't worry...it's not loaded."
-Terry Kath (musician in the band Chicago. He didn't know there was a bullet in the chamber, and put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.)


"Is everyone else all right?"
-Robert Kennedy (whispered to his wife after he had been shot.)


"I wish I was skiing." [Nurse: "Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?"] "No, but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I'm doing."
-Stan Laurel (of Laurel and Hardy fame.)


"They won't think anything about it."
-Abraham Lincoln (to Mary Lincoln when she asked what the audience would think of two old people holding hands.)


"I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all!"
-Chris McCandless (subject of the book and movie, Into the Wild)


"We are holding our own."
-Ernest M. McSorley (captain of the ill-fated Great Lakes freighter, Edmund Fitzgerald.)


"Die, my dear? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!"
-Groucho Marx


"The taste of death is upon my lips…I feel something, that is not of this earth."
-Mozart


"Aw, no one's gonna shoot at me."
-Lee Harvey Oswald

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Father's Day

Time again to skip out on doing anything creative for your dad and just give him a gift card to the local hardware store! Seriously though, that's all we sold at my place of employment today: gift cards. Father's Day is by no means as popular as Mother's Day. It is also far less commercialized. No need to buy your dad flowers or get an expensive card covered with beautiful artwork. All dad's want is a little recognition. Maybe a kind word, or a free meal at Cracker Barrel. Why Cracker Barrel? I'm pretty sure all fathers love that place. It's a requirement once you have kids. The best thing you can do? Just spend some time with him. He helped (?) raise you and just wants to spend some time with you, whether it be playing a game or just sitting in the family room watching the History Channel. Dads are far more easy to please than moms. You have to put a bit more effort in for moms. That day is over with though...for now. How did Father's Day come about though?

Father's Day basically came around the same time as Mother's Day. It's first celebration can perhaps be traced back to Fairmont, WV in 1908. It was organized by Mrs. Grace Golden Clayton, who wanted to celebrate the lives of the 210 fathers who had been lost in the Monongh Mining disaster that took place a few months beforehand. The celebration was overshadowed by other events in the city and it wasn't celebrated again. Bummer. Enter Sonora Dodd, who basically stole all of Clayton's thunder. She created her own independent celebration of fathers and eventually a bill was presented to congress to make the holiday officially recognized. President Wilson even went to Spokane, where Dodd was from, and spoke at the Father's Day celebration there, hoping to make it official. Congress was hesitant. They didn't want the holiday to become commercialized like Mother's Day. Coolidge also supported the holiday, but stopped short of asking Congress. It was President Johnson who finally proclaimed Father's Day on the third Sunday of June. It would take another six years for it to be signed into law and made into an official national holiday however, being signed by President Nixon. Geez, even no-brainer bills take forever to be turned into laws.

Since Father's Day is not terribly commercialized, there has not been major call to destroy the whole thing like with Mother's Day's creator. It is more for getting a simple gift like a tie or book for your old man and to show him that you appreciate him. So take some time out for your dad and have a good Father's Day! Especially if you are a dad yourself.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Historical Last Words

"Thomas Jefferson"
-John Adams


"To the strongest!"
-Alexander the Great


"Don't ask me how I am! I understand nothing more!"
-Hans Christian Anderson


"Let me die in the old uniform in which I fought my battles for freedom, May God forgive me for putting on another."
-Benedict Arnold (I guess he had a little remorse for his betrayal.)


"I want nothing but death."
-Jane Austen


"Now I can cross the Shifting Sands."
-L. Frank Baum (Referring to the impassable sands surrounding the land of Oz.)


"Just don't leave me alone."
-John Belushi


"Who is it? Who is it?"
-Billie the Kid


"I never should have switched from scotch to martinis."
-Humphrey Bogart


"France, army, Josephine."
-Napoleon Bonaparte


"Tell mother, tell mother, I died for my country...(looks at hands) useless...useless."
-John Wilkes Booth

"I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. I had, as I now think vainly, flattered myself that without very much bloodshed it might be done."
-John Brown (before being hung for his attack on Harper's Ferry)


"Whatever the result may be, I shall carry to my grave the consciousness that at least I meant well for my country."
-James Buchanan


"All compound things are subject to breaking up. Strive on with mindfulness."
-Siddhartha Gautama Buddha


"The play is over! Applaud!"
-Augustus Caesar


"I think I'll sleep now."
-George Washington Carver


"I'm so bored with it all."
-Winston Churchill


"...it's better to burn out than fade away."
-Kurt Cobain


"More weight."
-Giles Corey (while being crushed during the Salem witch trials because he would not answer the court.)


"Lady, you shot me!"
-Sam Cooke


"Hurrah Boys! Let's get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah!"
-George Custer


"I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people, the good working people. I am not sorry for my crime."
-Leon Czolgosz (assassin of William McKinley)


"It is nothing...it is nothing..."
-Archduke Franz Ferdinand (whispered to Count Harrach after being shot by Gavrilo Princip)


"I love you."
-Sean Flannagan (spoken to his executioner. Died by lethal injection in 1989.)


"I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it."
-Errol Flynn


"A dying man can do nothing easily."
-Benjamin Franklin (when told by his daughter that he may be able to breath easily if he laid on his side.)


"Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!"
-James French (said to reporters before he was sent to the electric chair.)


"Hero! A real hero!"
-Genghis Khan


"I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man."
-Che Guevara


"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."
-Nathan Hale (American spy, hanged in 1776. Alleged quote.)


"This is a mortal wound, doctor."
-Alexander Hamilton (after being shot by Aaron Burr)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

How Eli Whitney Got His Groove Back!

Eli Whitney is known for basically one thing: inventing the cotton gin. It was a great invention, but perhaps not as good as his other invention that revolutionized the industrial world.

The cotton gin came from an act of kindness from Whitney. While visiting a widow named Mrs. Greene in Georgia, Whitney decided to design an embroidery frame for her. Greene was very impressed by the cleverness of the design and it got her thinking. If Whitney was as clever as he seemed, perhaps he could solve the problem she and other planters faced; cotton was hard to pick and clean and they wanted something to make it easier. Upland cotton, the type that grows in the interior of the south had seeds that stuck to the cotton like Velcro. It was very hard to remove the seeds by hand and a person could only clean about a pound of cotton per day. This made upland cotton basically worthless. Why bother with cotton? Since the industrial revolution in England, production of clothes using cotton became extremely popular, but it was expensive. England didn't have enough cotton to sell it at a decent price yet. The south wanted a way to provide England with the cotton it needed, and grow financially wealthy in the process.

Whitney took a few months to iron out the details but it took him only ten days to invent the cotton gin. The design was extremely simple. You feed cotton in while the teeth catch the cotton seeds and separate them while the cotton is spit out the end, seedless. With this new invention, a person could clean up to 10 pounds of cotton a day. The cotton gin changed everything in the south. Since upland cotton was now easy to seed, southern farmers began to dedicate their whole land to cotton. Tobacco was now out. The U.S. went from selling virtually no cotton to England, to selling 38 million pounds. By the time the civil war was about to start, the south was exporting 920 million pounds of cotton to England in one year. Whitney's invention also changed what people wore all around the earth. Since there was now a large amount of cotton, it went from being an extremely expensive material used in clothes, to being dirt cheap. Now everyone could afford a nice cotton shirt and not have to deal with wool. Not only was wool extremely uncomfortable to wear, but it was also hard to clean, so many people had filthy clothing on most of the time. Cotton was a welcome replacement: comfortable and easy to clean.

Now here comes the dark side of the cotton gin and something that Whitney had not intended. The cotton gin drastically increased the number of slaves people needed to cultivate their land. There is a misconception that the cotton gin helped slaves by eliminating the hand ginning, thus the machine made it so there didn't need to be as many slaves. While it's true that the machine made it easier, it also made it necessary (in the southern farmer's mind) to have more slaves to pick cotton. Slavery was thought to be dying out, and the gin just put it back on its feet. Between 1775 and 1800, the price of a slave dropped from $100 dollars to $50 dollars, which led to speculation from abolitionist that slavery was on the way out. Either it would die a natural death, or it would become so weakened that it would be easy to abolish. The gin came along and increased the number of slaves needed and between 1800 and 1850 the price of a slave went from $50 to as much as $1000. Yikes. Now slavery was deemed integral to the southern economy. This in turn caused many southern leaders to defend the institution of slavery militantly. It was now their goal to defend slavery and even expand it into new territories. Thanks to the cotton gin, the Civil War was now a sure thing.

Whitney had known that the gin would make him a wealthy man. His friend Phineas Miller agreed with that and they became business partners. Miller would provide the money for the gins and Whitney would build them. Things didn't go quite as planned however. There were two main problems with their dreams:
First, just as Whitney had intended, the cotton gin was so simple and easy to make that just about anyone who was good with tools could easily make one. So a lot of planters did, even though doing so violated Whitney's patent.
Secondly, Whitney and Miller were too greedy for their own good. They knew that even if they had enough money to build a gin for each planter, which they didn't, the planters wouldn't have enough money to buy them. So, they planned to set up a network of gins around the south where they would do the ginning in exchange for a share of the cotton they ginned. It happened to be a big share-40% to be exact. That was way more than southern planters were willing to part with and they decided to make a gin themselves, or buy an illegal copycat machine made by competitors.

Then came the rumors: that Whitney himself had stolen the idea for the cotton gin from a Southern inventor; that the copycat gins were actually "improved" models that didn't infringe on Whitney's patents; and, worst of all, that Whitney's machines damaged cotton fibers during the ginning process. The last rumor stuck: By the end of 1795, the English were refusing to buy cotton ginned on Whitney & Miller machines. From that point on, Whitney & Miller couldn't sell a gin for full price.

Whitney and Miller spent years battling the copycats in court and convincing the English textile mills that their cotton was still the best. The stress must of done a number on Miller, as he died from a fever in 1803, at just 39 years old. Whitney kept at it and eventually won his last court fight in 1806. This was a hollow victory since the patent on the gin ran out a year later. Now anybody could make a gin and it would be perfectly legal. So how much did Whitney make from the invention of the cotton gin? Nothing. In fact, historians believe that since he was in so many legal battles he may have lost money. Whitney was down, but he was not out. He was already working on another invention. One that would be better than his last.

Around 1798, it looked as if the U.S. and France were going to go to war. This was a problem because France was the United States' chief maker of muskets. So if there was war, where would the U.S. get it's muskets? Congress ordered that two national armories be started that would have to produce 50,000 muskets in order to fight the French. In four years, they only produced 1,000. This was bad news for the U.S. Congress decided to give the task to private contractors. Let me put this into perspective. Back then, firearms were made by highly skilled artisans who made the entire weapon, crafting each part from scratch and filing and fitting them by hand. Every part was one of a kind. One part made for one gun wouldn't work on another gun. Also, if your gun broke, it could only be repaired by a expert craftsmen. If your gun broke in the middle of a battle, then you might as well chuck it. To add to the problem, people who could make guns and fix them were rare and it took forever to train new ones.

Whitney knew what he had to do. He devised that instead of using one expert craftsman to make an entire gun, he would divide the tasks among several workers of average skill. They'd be easier to train, and easier to replace if they quit. Each worker would learn how to make one part, using high-precision machine tools, designed by Whitney. The tools would be so precise that the parts would be virtually identical to each other. Each part would fit interchangeably into any of the muskets made in Whitney's factory. Once the piece for the musket had been made, assembling them into the finished weapon would be literally a snap. Ready-made interchangeable spare parts would make it possible for any soldier to fix his musket himself.

The government gave Whitney the contract and Whitney had to deliver 10,000 muskets in two years. As we know, the war never came with France, which was probably a good thing since Whitney missed his deadline by eight years. Whitney though was a trusted inventor and so he was able to get advances on his contract. What really helped him get extra time to perfect his system was the demonstration he did for president-elect Jefferson and other high officials in 1801. Dumping a huge pile of interchangeable musket parts onto a table, Whitney invited them to pick pieces form the pile at random and assemble them into complete muskets. For the first time in history, they could.

So, Whitney basically changed the way that guns were manufactured. The parts were easy to assemble, and they didn't need skilled craftsman to make. Whitney used the interchangeable part in many other areas like clothing, furniture, tools, bikes, and just about anything else people could manufacture. Whitney called the process "the American system." Today we call it mass production.

So how did Eli Whitney get his groove back? Well besides inventing something that would eclipse the cotton gin in usefulness, he basically won the war for the north before the war even started. He did this with both of his inventions. The cotton gin caused the south to have a false sense of security. They thought that the north and England needed their cotton, so they wouldn't dare go to war with them or ignore them as a sovereign country. That is exactly what happened though. The north was willing to give up getting huge shipments of cotton to keep the country together, and many planters still sold cotton to the north anyway during the war, though secretly. The planters still had to make money. England had gotten a huge stockpile of cotton, so they wouldn't need cotton for many years, and they could just get it from India if they really wanted to. The English textile workers were also ready and able to go without jobs if it meant the end of slavery in America.

Another hit against the south was their inability to produce anything else but cotton. They focused on it so much that they had little to no industry in the south. The north on the other hand had fourteen times as many textile mills as the south, and way more factories; factories that used "the American system." When war came about, the north had the better arms and more of them, not to mention more people and supplies all around. Though the war lasted four years, the outcome had been sealed for a very long time.

So, Whitney's gin caused slavery to become popular and arguably helped cause the Civil War. Because of that invention though, the south relied to much on cotton and cash crops and did not diversify to have factories and industry, thus dooming them to have less supplies in the Civil War. So, in that way, the cotton gin both caused and helped end the Civil War. Though it wouldn't have been won by the north had the interchangeable part not been invented and given the north such an advantage in arms. Eli Whitney, once you really think about it, had one of the biggest impacts on history. On a side note, the interchangeable part did make Whitney a very wealthy man.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Mother's Day


Hope you remembered to buy some flowers for your mother or at least gave her a call! Mother's Day is the official day to spoil your mom, other than her birthday. If you are like most people, you went out and bought a nice Hallmark card and maybe bought your mom some flowers, or if you live far away you decided that you would give her a call and tell her how much she means to you. Come on people! She gave birth to you! She deserves a little attention! Mother's Day is another one of those holidays that is sort of stuck in limbo, so to speak. It's not Christmas, but it's not a dumb holiday like Missing Sock Memorial Day (May 9th. No, I didn't make it up). It's a holiday that is easy to forget, but you better not, or someone might be a little angry. So how exactly did we come to celebrate Mother's Day?

Celebrations attributed to mothers first began with the Roman celebration of Hilaria, which celebrates Cybele, a being similar to Gaia (the goddess of the earth that Captain Planet was always going on about). A celebration of a being that is "mother of all," is prevalent through ancient societies, however these are not directly connected to our modern Mother's Day.

Our own celebration of mothers, non-deity mothers that is, began shortly after the Civil War. In 1870, Julie Ward Howe wrote the "Mother's Day Proclamation," a pacifist reaction to the carnage of the Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War. Besides advocating a day for mothers, it was also tied to Howe's feminist vision that women had a responsibility to shape their societies at the political level. In the years after the Mother's Day Proclamation, Ann Jarvis started five Mother's Day Work Clubs who sought to improve sanitary and health conditions. So Mother's Day basically started as a day to improve women's lives and put them into the forefront. The day became synonymous with the feminist and women's rights movement. After Ann Jarvis' death in 1917, her daughter, Anna Jarvis started a campaign to make Mother's Day an official holiday in the U.S. She achieved her dream in 1914. Little did she know that she had created a monster.

By the 1920's Anna noticed that something was wrong with Mother's Day. It was already terribly commercialized. People went out and bought cards instead of writing their own letters, something Anna considered extremely lazy. The holiday became one of buying things and less about mothers very quickly. Anna became extremely distressed by the level of commercialism attributed to the holiday and spent the rest of her life advocating against the holiday she created. Before her death she wished that she had never even created the day.

Today, Mother's Day is one of the most commercially successful holidays in the U.S. It is now the most popular day to go out to a restaurant. In this way, one could make the argument that along with buying a card, taking a mom to a restaurant is pure laziness and instead you could make her a meal and write her a card. Both show that you are taking time to treat your mother, but what means more to her? This goes against how we Americans think in many ways, but perhaps it is time for us to cast off some of the commercialism that goes into this holiday and do something original for our moms. Make her a meal, write a card, write a poem, take her to a park, or just do something special. Let's put this into perspective:

For Mother's Day, American's spend:

-$2.6 billion on flowers.

-$1.53 billion on gifts like a day at a spa.

-$68 million on greeting cards.

One further statistic is that Mother's Day amounts for almost 8 percent of jewelry store's annual revenue.

Some make the argument that Mother's Day would not have lasted had businesses not promoted it so much. Though it may be true, it's awfully sad that we as a society cannot take a day out of the year to truly spend time with our mothers instead of spending our money on things that perhaps our mother's don't need.